1) If you had a choice between the following, which would you choose?
- mediocre marriage, mediocre life
- mediocre marriage, great life
- mediocre life, great marriage
- great life, great marriage
3) Throughout history, women have inspired men to do all kinds of things. Some foolish. Some noble. The saying goes, "Behind every great man stands a great woman."
If that is true, is it possible for a woman to inspire a man to be great, without making him feel like he isn't already?
And, if so, how would you suggest she accomplish that in this day and age?
If you think this is deep, please don't give me too much credit. Read on to discover that I am as shallow as a puddle your child can walk through and not even get splashed by.
I am petrified of being average. Yet everything about me is. Pretty, but average looks. Not heavy, but average build. Smart, but average giftedness as opposed to being a genius. Middle class, but average in the sense that we make too much to get any help, and not enough to actually live what we would describe as "living well". Even our kids special needs are average. If there is such a thing! They're not so extreme that we are devestated and everyone looks on us with pity and the waters part to make life more manageable. No... but we have just enough needs that make our daily lives very difficult and keep my son just that side of "normal". My marriage... average... mediocre... boring. Just functional enough that no one is abused or has any major complaints, but not so functional that we are happy or even satisfied with our relationship and our life together.
So, why am I complaining?! I should be happy right? No one is dying, we're all under one roof. One little, average roof. I shouldn't be complaining! There are so many more with far less than me. Children that went to bed hungry tonight, on a thin blanket on the floor, surrounded by swarms of things that seek to destroy their little bodies. Families that have real life altering issues that are pounding on the doors of their hearts and their homes just waiting to wipe them out. What do I have to complain about?
And yet, here I am. Unhappy. Bored. Fickle. I mean, aren't there posts written probably barely a week ago that describe a much happier, contented housewife who loves to honor her husband and tend to her children's every need? Yeah, but maybe I was full of it when I wrote them! Or maybe I'm just being ridiculous now. Either way, it all has to spill out because I feel like I am going to implode.
Any and all gains that I have made in my heart I feel are being attacked by the enemy. Any maturity. Any lesson learned. I've been good for so long that the bad girl that lives inside of me, that sinful nature, my flesh... it's just clawing to get out and sabotage my life. She managed her way out a number of years ago. After a life lived in Christian morality, my parents' separation my senior year of highschool threw me into a tailspin. That foundation ripped out from under me so fast I didn't know which direction to turn to first, I just knew it would be to destroy my reputation as a good girl because it had been built on lies. So I did every bad thing I could get my hands on. And I'm feeling that same kind of itch again. That quiet gnawing in the pit of your stomach and the back of your throat to do something so drastic that there is no choice but to scrap it all and start over.
I know I won't... I'm just saying, I can feel it, and it scares me.
Pray for me, okay? Because I am so close to some things that are not good. Not good at all.
And at the root of it is this fear of being average. Of having no impact at all. Of being invisible. You know my son asked me to make up a story tonight about Batman... and I created a horribly revealing story about "Invisible Girl" and all the cherades they went through together. He asked me to keep going at one point, and I just couldn't, I thought I was going to be sick over it. Because I am "Invisible Girl" to everyone I know and love. I try so hard to be noticed and validated that I am seeking water in desert places. I am so starved for conversation and affirmation that I will take a drop of it from anywhere. That is an incredibly lonely place to be. And it is humiliating to a certain degree. I feel utterly embarassed by my lack of relationship with people, and yet I crave relationship with people to such an extent, that I created an online persona, a pen-name to write under so I can be surrounded by people who want to hear my message. You only follow me if you like my content, right? And that's how I know that I have a voice. It's exhausting being this insecure and this vulnerable, yet trying so hard to appear to be the complete opposite.
I cry out as Paul did in Romans 7:24
O wretched man that I am! Who shall deliver me from the body of this death?Some commentaries say that the Greek word for wretched there indicates the exhaustion one feels after a battle. If that is true, then it is true of me! I am exhausted. But here is my hope:
But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31I just need to turn my eyes back on Jesus, and place my hope and my trust in Him. Wait on the Lord and watch my strength renewed and refreshed. Times of refreshing come from the presence of the Lord (Acts 3:19). Turn and repent. I must turn. And repent. Crucify my flesh, my sinful nature. Lay it down at the foot of the cross. And spend time in His truth for the restoration of my mind. I know it is possible. I have lived it before. And I know I can live it again. But this time... I just want freedom, you know? I shackle myself with too many man-made burdens. And that isn't why Christ died for me! He died that I might live... and I just want to be free!!!
Please pray for me.